


Weird, Weird Rituals

by TrashAnt



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alien Biology, Crack Treated Seriously, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Idiots in Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Praise Kink, Size Difference, Size Kink, Smut, Verbal Humiliation, aka Zim gives his Tallest the talk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:48:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24810337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashAnt/pseuds/TrashAnt
Summary: After Zim's detailed presentation on human mating rituals, The Tallest are... intrigued to say the least.They first try to ignore the feeling, but soon realize that their primal needs are too hard to suppress.
Relationships: Almighty Tallest Purple/Almighty Tallest Red, Almighty Tallest Purple/Almighty Tallest Red/Zim
Comments: 15
Kudos: 62





	Weird, Weird Rituals

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written by a fellow dumbass, TrashAnt. He is in fact, so dumbass that he doesn't even have an account yet (to quote him: "I forgot"). I will add him as a co-creator once he gets his account.  
> This idea was conceived bc we were horny. That's it.  
> Enjoy!!

“In my recent studies in Biology class at _Skool_ , I’ve learned some very fascinating information about reproduction on Urth. You see my Tallest, the humans and the other subsequent species on the planet are very primitive. They don’t reproduce life artificially, they don’t even have cloning technology yet!”

“What an primitive planet, hah!” Tallest Purple said while munching on his doughnuts, as the food particles mixed with his spit flew everywhere.

“Yes, it’s truly disgusting! There are different types of these reproductive techniques the creatures on Urth use. They differ sometimes based on species, as there is asexual reproduction and sexual reproduction”.

“What is, ‘sexual’?” Tallest Red asked confused but intrigued. For once during Zim’s ‘report’ the ruler was actually interested in what the little pest had to say.

Zim clearly noticing his leaders’ interest in his report, enthusiastically continued: “Oh, you see my Tallest, sex is a form of reproduction! But it can also define characteristics amongst male and female humans! They use their so called ‘genitals’ to create offspring, hence the two types of reproductive organs. The female sex is equipped with a vagina, and is essentially the career of the offspring, which is kept safe inside of the female’s stomach area. They call it the ‘womb’. While male humans have a breeding spike called the ‘penis’. The penis carries sperm, which fuses with the egg the female possesses, and it creates a new human. The human smeet, or ‘baby’ as they say, is carried in the womb for usually 9 months before it is given birth too”.

“How is it born?” Purple nervously asks. He was also kind of interested in this whole process, but slightly grossed out by the idea of smeet growing inside his stomach. That sounds horrifying!

“The female pushes it out of their vagina in a hour-long tedious and painful process sirs”, Zim proudly exclaimed his knowledge, to which both the the Tallest shivered in disgust, revolted by the whole idea.

“Humans are ridiculous! How did they even come up with that?!” the purple-eyed irken schreeks in befuddlement. _What is wrong with that planet?_

“No you misunderstand my almighty leaders, the humans didn’t invent this, but rather they developed that way during the course of their evolution! They are still a disgusting species. Wait till you find out how the sperm arrives to the egg!”

With those words, Zim pulled out a video to show to the feed. It was of what one can assumed to be a female human and a male human completely clothless. They were doing something, but The Tallest Red and Purple couldn’t quite put their finger on what it exactly was.

Just that there was a lot of thrusting and other sounds involved. There was a prevalence of one that could only be assumed to be some kind of scream. But only it didn’t sound painful. It sounded pleasurable?

As much as Irk’s rulers wanted to be revolted by what they were seeing, they were silent with intrigue.

Red eventually shakes his hand, waving it around. “ Okay that’s enough, thank you Zim.” he orders, and Zim immediately obey, shutting down the whole simulation.  
  
“With pleasure. What you saw was one of the many types of recreational medias that humans seem to enjoy!”  
  
Purple and Red stared at each other. “What?” they voiced out loud, in perfect unison.

Zim stood proudly, and explained. “It appears that most humans, as well as some other species, like dolphins, rather enjoy having sex, purely to have fun. Humans being the most advanced species on Urth, managed to develop different way to arouse themself, helping the process!”

  
Purple made a faux gagging noise, only exaggerating a little. Red cringed.

  
“Eh, that was extremely gross, but you did a good job on that… research?” Red tried to compliment Zim’s little presentation. Red looked around, to see the navigators and also the table drones looking extremely pale and uncomfortable. Purple made another gagging motion and Red rolled his eyes. Maybe it was time to end this thing. Zim takes a deep breath and starts open how big loud mouth.

  
  
“ERm- THANK you Zim, really, we got all the information we needed for today!” Red waved frantically once more.

  
“But-” Zim protested.

  
“You can call us next month!” Red made another motion to the navigator next to him, signaling at him to cut the feed.

  
“BUT WAIT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE TOY PART-”, Zim cut out before he could finish his presentation.

  
Red sat down on the couch behind him, Purple following him. The lilac leader looked rather unwell, and stared at his donut bag with sad eyes. The entire room just stood in silence. Only the usual calm buzzing of the Massive could be heard. Red closed his eyes for a second and tried to relax. At one point he heard a voice calling him:

“My tallest? I don’t feel really well...I think I’m… Urgh-”, Red opened his eyes to see one of the navigator clasping their hands on their mouth. The leader motioned toward the door with his head, allowing them to get out for a while.  
  
Purple grunted and threw his donut bag at the nearest drone, “UGH, crap, I’m not even hungry anymore! Red for the love of Irk please let’s never talk about this again!” He thought about the possibility of Zim wanting to continue his speech the next time he calls them, and he shivered in disgust.

  
Red simply nodded. 

  
  
  


Not even a full week later, they talked about it again.

  
  
  


It was late, well, hour wise, as in space there was no such thing as a concept of day and night. But it was certainly time for their daily recreational rest. They were the Tallest after all, and they needed a rest after a long day of _nothing_. It was tiring how boring galactic conquest was!

There was a lingering thought looming above both of them. They were in their resting chambers, which were only allowed for Irkens of extreme status. While laying down on their enormous bed that took up almost all of the space in the room, the Tallest mostly kept silent. Red had his eyes closed, not really sleeping, but just relaxing, as Purple was busy eating some peanuts, and was lazily throwing them in his mouth, discarding the shells to the side. It wasn’t as if that was his business. He didn't catch most of them, and he didn’t bother to pick them up either.  
  
Purple threw the last peanut and missed, he looked down in the empty bag and sighed. He scrunched up the bag, and aimed at Red, who was still resting with his eyes closed on the opposite end of the bed, about 10 feet away from him, curling himself up a bit. “Don’t even think about it”, Red mumbled lazily. He had heard the aluminum bag crinkle, especially loud since this was the most silent room of the massive. “Throw it and I’ll kill you”.  
  
The bag hit his back, and bounced on the bedding. Red rolled over to face Purple, with an annoyed frown on his sleepy eyes. Purple wasn’t even looking at him, he was staring toward the window, the stars reflecting on his big lilac eyes. Something twisted inside of Red’s belly.

  
“I told you not to throw it. I’ll have to kill you now”, Red threatened with boredom.  
  
“Please.” Purple looked at him with a disturbed expression. “I’m just..” he started without having the guts to finish. Red tilted his head, not knowing what the other was trying to say.

  
  
“C’mon what’s up?” The red leader gathered his arms under his chin, as a sort of makeshift pillow. “Spit it out”. Purple bent to the side and reached for one of the many, many peanuts that he missed earlier, and threw it at his partner.

  
  
“You know very well what it is, I may be dense, but I’m not that dense, we both are still thinking about it” Purple rambled, in a rare moment of honesty. Red was taken aback, he was often baffled how his co-ruler could read him like an open book, even though most of the time, Purple kept this type of information to himself. It was weird being called out like this, even though he wasn’t being the only one called out. He buried his head between his arms and the mattress.

  
  
“Yeah, well, like you said, we’re both thinking about it, not just me.” Red tried to defend himself a little bit, still embarrassed.

  
  
Purple sat up, suddenly, making Red jerk back at the movement. “I know! Look we have to, I don’t know, fix it? How do we stop thinking about this? This-... this THING!?”.

  
  
How do they do that exactly? Red had no idea. But the more he kept thinking about it, the more he had this weird tingly feeling in his squeedlyspooch, and he didn’t know if he liked this sensation or not. And it only worsened when he glanced at Purple. A stupid thought came to his mind and he quickly dismissed it. _No._

_  
_  
“We could ask Zim?” he blurted out instead. Purple stared at him with those big eyes.

  
  
“Are you serious?” Purple asked. It didn’t sound like he was mocking him, but there was honest surprise in his voice. “I mean, yeah but…” he started to protest, but:

  
  
“He’s so annoying…” they both stated at the same time, Purple sighing at the end, and Red nodding in agreement. The leaders realised that might be their only option, but they didn’t want to deal with that little nuisance.

  
  
Red started to sit up, inching toward the end of the giant bed. “Yeah, but do we have any other ideas? He’s basically our last option…”

  
  
With that, Red could see Purple’s nod, as a sign of silent agreement.

_Oh this is going to be painful._

  
  
  


  
For the first time ever, Zim wasn’t the one to call the Tallest. The Tallest called Zim. And it wasn’t as if it was out of obligation like probing day, no! This was completely on them.

They were in a private room, one far away from any possible witnesses. They even ordered the guards out of the room, telling them to guard only the hallway that lead to it. Not quite their usual place to contact an invader, well, not invader, just Zim, but this was by no means an ordinary occurrence. 

They felt embarrassed just by doing this, if the control brains didn’t kill them, the shame definitely will.

“Are you gonna say it?”

“I don’t want to be the one to call him, Red”.

“Fine…” Tallest Red responded in a mopey tone. With the very obvious discomfort in his voice, he reluctantly opened his mouth: “Computer, ugh... “, Irk he felt so stupid. “Call Irken ‘Invader’ Zim”.

“MY TALLEST!” Zim loudly greeted them. It was obvious that the short Irken was excited, practically overjoyed. “What a pleasure! This is the first time you’ve called me outside of probing day!”

“Yeah we know”, Red said already annoyed. Before he could even properly finish his thoughts, Purple interrupted:

“Just tell us how to make it stop Zim!” he whined.

“Eh? Stop what my almighty leaders?” Zim asked in oblivious confusion.

To which, the Tallest with the purple orbs continued: “You last report, the video you showed us! It makes us feel-! All weird and messed up!!”

“Ohhh”, Zim finally grasped the situation, and quickly responded: “I assure you my Tallest, those thoughts are rather common, a lot of other species have those as well, not just humans. I have researched this thoroughly!” he proudly exclaimed. Zim placed his hands behind his back.

Red interrupted with annoyance, clearly losing all patience: “But HOW do we make them stop?”

Zim fidgeted with his hands, a bit nervous, but tried not to show it. “Well…” How would he even explain this without having his almighty leaders weirded out? “There’s no real way to ‘stop it’ per say, but, there is one possible solution to easing those thoughts…”  
  
“Stop dragging on and on, get to the point Zim!” Red ordered firmly  
  
“ _Maybeyoushouldtrytogettoit_!” Zim yelled, in a moment of panic, then clasped his hands on his mouth.

“What did you say?” Purple clearly didn’t catch what Zim was trying to explain “Get to it as in?”  
  


Zim kept his hands over his mouth but talked anyway “Humans have this, ritual, called _Mas-Ter-Ba-Ssion_ and maybe it’s the right thing to do in this situation?” His leader didn’t seem to understand the meaning of the word. With shaky arms, he unclasped his hands and breathed out. Seriously, how awkward could it be to just tell your leader to have sex. Explaining the process was fine in itself, but suggesting the idea was something he wasn’t prepared for. “What you saw in the video, my Tallests, just… You do it!”  
  


The duo stared at the monitor in shock. They didn’t even know what to say, or to ask anymore. They should be angry at him for suggesting such a thing, but also they were the ones that called him for help in the first place, surely he knew what he was talking about!  
  


“So you want us to-” Purple articulated slowly before Red interrupted him:  
  


“But we don’t even have the spike that they have?”  
  


Zim smiled awkwardly: “OH NO. GIR is EATING MY COMPUTER! I have to stop him, use your fingers, BYE-”

“ Wait! One last thing Zim! If it ever comes out that we talked about this, we WILL destroy planet Urth, with YOU on it” Tallest Red threatened.

Zim obediently responded “Yes of course my sirs! Everything will stay between us!” and with that, the the transmission ended.

The Tallest didn’t really know what to say. How exactly do you react to this whole situation?

They just stood silently, as if they were in a contest to see who can go without speaking about this the longest.

After a certain amount of time passed, Purple was the one to break the silence: “What does he mean by… ‘use your fingers’?” he asked with the slightest hint of dread in his voice. But also… intrigue?

“I think…” Red started, his eyes lacking focus, as they stared blankly. “I think he meant… that we put our fingers… _down there_?” he couldn’t believe what he was saying. Quickly adding: “Obviously, that’s not happening!”

“Yeah! Hah! Can you imagine! Us doing that?” Purple awkwardly rambled in agreement, discussing how ridiculous the whole idea is.

After that they just stayed silent for a while, giving each other a long drawn out look.

Neither of them wanted to quite say it, but it was getting unbearable to keep their thoughts to themselves. So they just decided to end the whole exhange:

“Yeah, I’m gonna um… go eat some doughnuts…” Purple said.

“Uh… yeah you do that. I’m going to go… oversee the planetary conquest”.

And with that both of them flew off to the opposite end of the Massive. They never wanted to talk about this again. They were going to kill Zim once they get their hands on that little bastard for even telling them this.

  
  
  


Another period of time had passed, and it was once again time for their daily rest. But neither of Irk’s rulers, were in their usual place of recreation, as the resting chambers were completely empty.

As it was late hours, the lights in the Massive dimmered to signify night time, and if you looked carefully, you could spot a tall shadow on the walls of the hallways. It was Tallest Purple. Irk’s leader was ‘sneaking out’ you could say, as he had a forbidden idea on his mind.

He wanted to get rid of this horrible feeling already, and if doing ‘the thing’ was what had to be done, then so beat it.

He was certain that the other Tallest was still resting in the chambers, so Purple without a single worry on his mind, entered the same small room on the Massive in which he and Red called Zim earlier that day. It was a secure place, as not many Irkens walked through this part of the Massive.

Without further thought, he got down to business, putting his long-fingered skinny hand inside his robe, between his crotch area.

_Ok, so how do I make this work?_ He thought to himself, as he started to put his sharp finger inside the his slit. It was the closest thing he could replicate from the video Zim showed them.

“What are you doing?” a voice emerged from the darkness of the room. It was Red, he had been here the entire time.

“Nothing! What on Irk are YOU doing here is the question we should be asking!” Purple retorted, shifting the blame.

“Don’t change the conversation! Especially as I just saw you put your hand inside your robes!”

“Uhhh... “ he looked around as if he was trying to find a response: “I was looking for snacks! Remember that popcorn from earlier, I think I lost it in there somewhere...”

“In your slit?”

“Yes- NO. I mean, wait-” Purple responded mechanically, but waved his arm around in panic when he realised what he said. Red snickered but didn’t push it. “Shit, okay, I was just curious! Don’t tell anyone!” Purple almost begged, but in his mind it was more of a threat.  
  
Red stood awkwardly, and pointed down toward Purple’s hips. “You… Are you going to do anything about _that_?” 

Purple noticing the hand still buried deep between his thighs, panics again with a shriek “Shit!” he curses again, “C’mon turn around, don't look!”  
  
Red obliged, suddenly much more aware of what was happening, and again he felt that weird sensation in his guts. Purple removed his hand and shivered, exhaling a little. The sound made Red jump up a little. “Stop moaning for the life irk, it’s doing things to me and I don’t LIKE IT.”

“You don’t like it?” Purple observed, and a wicked thought came to his mind, as his hand made its way back to his robes. This was going to make Red so mad!

“What are you doing?” Red carefully threaded, turning back toward the other a little. Purple slid his fingers inside his slit, searching for the spot that made him feel all tingly before. There. He made a weird noise down his throat. Red blushed furiously. “Stop it!”  
  
“Hey it’s not that bad- _ah_ \- you should try it!” Purple’s legs shook a little, and kept going. Red crossed his arms, trying to look angry, mad and intimidating, but he just looked mildly annoyed and bothered, with his face ten shades darker than usual.  
  
“Okay but not here, this place is filthy enough as it is”, Red eventually mumbled. Purple had slowed down a bit, kind of disappointed that Red wasn’t already throwing a fit at him. He shrugged, and turned around once more to remove his hand. Red probably didn’t saw how Purple stared at his slick wet hand, a mix of disgust and surprise on his face.

With a silent nod of agreement they made their way back to their resting chambers.

  
  
  
  


Purple practically launched himself on the giant bed, as always. “Seriously, Red, I know it’s disgusting, but it feels surprisingly okay!”

  
“Better than those butterscotch and chocolate cookies?” Red humored him. They had found out about those a few months ago, and Purple had been crazy about them for weeks.

  
“Almost!” Purple smiled at him. He shifted his legs, crossing and uncrossing them a few times. He frowned, sticking his tongue out. “Stupid-” he grumbled, fumbling with his robe wrapping on his legs.

  
“You need help?” Red was still standing in front of the bed, his arms hidden with his hands digged into his sides. Purple looked at him, stopping his battle against the clothing for a moment.

  
“Help with my robe?” Purple asked, but he knew that's not what the other meant. He had decided to play dumb to avoid more embarrassing confrontation.

  
Red stuttered a few times, starting words but never ending them until he finally got somewhat of a sentence out “Wh- yeah, right- robe! No, not your robe, dumbass.” Red threw his hands in the air. “You know what I meant!”

Purple didn’t respond at first, his mouth flat as a line and his eyes avoiding Red’s. Then with the tiniest voice he said “ Sure?”.  
  


Red climbed onto the bed, crawling toward the other until they were face to face. Red placed his hands on Purple’s shoulders. The touch was almost burning hot. “So how- uh. How did you?”  
  


Purple grabbed one of Red’s hand, and guided him slowly toward his legs. He could feel Red’s hand shaking, or maybe he was shaking too. “You’re just-” Red’s hand brushed on his thighs and he shivered violently, Red turning his head toward him to check if he was okay “As I was saying, you’re just going to, put your hand… down there.” he finished awkwardly.  
  


The crimson eyed Irken slowly made his way down, dragging his hand on the skin, listening to the noise that came out of his partner’s throat. He slipped one finger in the slit, and waited for Purple’s response. He saw him nod in the corner of his eyes, and kept going.  
  


He made one movement a little too quick, his claws scratching on the already sensitive part. Purple yelped and punched him on the arm “YE-OUCH! What’s wrong with you? This hurts like hell!” 

Red removed his hand quickly, embarrassed “It’s not that easy! Sorry!” 

Purple sighed, “You’re a brute sometimes, let me show you”. He sat up a bit, pushing Red down onto the bed.

  
“Hey, that wasn’t the plan!” Red protested a bit but his body complied anyway.  
  


“We didn’t have a ‘plan’ to be begin with”. his hand untied the bright red robe around the other’s waist. One hand held the hips, while the other hand slithered it’s way down towards Red’s crotch.  
  


Red gasp loudly when his partner slid two fingers in, a little to rough for his liking. His hips bucked up by reflex. “Why do you even like this? It hurts like hell!” he complained, but gasped again right after. “...On second thought keep going” He let his head roll back against the mattress.  
  


Purple scissored his fingers a bit, and started muttering to himself after a while “-Harder than I thought…”.  
  


“Told you- ghh” Red smirked at him.  
  


Purple kept doing the same repetitive movements with his fingers, Red gasping and whimpering under him. The wetness and slick jelly that kept running between his fingers nearly made him gag, that is, it would have if it wasn’t for the wonderful noises that came out of his partner’s mouth, distracting him from the weird and new sensation. He buried his claws a little deeper, careful as to not repeat the mistake Red had made earlier. He felt something. And Red felt it too, his whole body jolting up with a indescribable sensation.  
  


“Oh my- what did you do?” He panted, opening his eyes to look at Purple, who smiled awkwardly.  
  


“I’m not sure, I simply felt something? I was touching the same place as before, but there was something there…? Are you okay?”.  
  


Red nodded “Do- Can you- uh… again?” he urged him, one hand coming down on Purple’s, to push it deeper again. Purple shrugged, a bit unsure, but tried to find the weird bulge he felt. His finger slid against it, Red’s hips shaking, and pressed hard against it. Red yelped, both of his hands flew up to cover his mouth. “Shit! Feels good but, also hurts like hell!”  
  


“You want to stop? Switch again?” Purple had stilled his hand, but he could feel the muscles clenching around his fingers, and the bulge twitching alongside them. He feared that he would hurt his partner this way, after all they weren’t sure of any of what they were doing.  
  


“NO. Keep going”, Red accidentally used his commanding voice, the kind he used when giving military orders or commanding lesser Irkens. Purple’s belly twisted a bit and he obeyed. Something moved inside of him, and he rubbed his thighs together.  
  


Applying pressure and moving his fingers slowly, Purple turned his partner into a moaning mess. His hips kept lifting up from the bed, and he had already tore holes into the silky bed sheets. Purple’s digits moved around the sweet spot and Red was forced to close his eyes, moaning loudly. His whole body felt warm, but mostly sweaty and sticky, still he couldn’t care less.  
  


“Hey, wait-” Purple’s finger twisted, claws dragging against the sensitive skin in a way that made Red grunt in pain. This simple movement had managed to ruin his mood. He glared at the other, opening his mouth to scold him. “-I can feel it moving. The something I felt, it’s like, twisting around my index a bit” Purple continued, not paying attention to his partner anymore. Red frowned. He looked up toward his crotch, Purple hunched over him, inspecting the area. He moved his index tentatively, catching whatever was hooking on it.  
  


“What are you doing?” Red asked. It didn’t feel bad, just weird and new, like everything else that happened until now. But he knew it didn’t feel as pleasurable as what Purple had been doing right before. He felt the fingers move around some more, and when Purple started to withdraw his hand, Red’s entire body tensed. For a split second, he didn’t even feel the wetness between his legs, or the warm, humid bed under him. “Wha- AH-tareyoudoing-” He breathed out, fast, gasping loudly.  
  


“Getting it out?” the other leader looked unsure of what he was doing as well. That didn’t reassured Red one bit.  
  


“Getting WHAT out?”  
  


“I don't’ know! Stop yelling! I’m trying to figure that out.” Purple kept pulling, slowly, almost painfully slow. He felt more slick goo pooling around his fingers. Red had stopped moving and talking, his mouth open with his tongue poking out. Purple’s eyes widened a bit, fixating on whatever was happening between Red’s legs.

Red couldn’t quite even protest at this point, as he was completely taken by the strange feeling coursing throughout his entire body. It didn’t feel like anything he has experienced before, totally new sensation. Eventually, Purple stopped doing whatever the hell he was trying to do. And just stood in front of the other awkwardly. Once Red finally regained his senses, he felt something different between his legs. He refused to look anywhere else, but at Purple’s confused face.  
  


“So, I can feel _something..._ and it’s wet, and cold, and I really don’t like _that_ ”, Red stated matter of factly. He dug his claws deeper into the mattress, the ripping fabric noises distracting him from the uncomfortable situation.

Purple, resting his sticky wet hand on his chin, not even paying attention to his goo stained face, just observed: “It… looks like a tongue. You should look at it!” he said encouraging the other.

Red shook his head a bit, “No way, I’m feeling so weird right now, I can’t move”, he sighed, realising it wasn’t too bad maybe, and gently tilted his head down. “Huh.” Well, that was a sight, for sure. The organ was slick and thin, and as Purple mentioned it strangely resembled an Irken tongue in a way. 

“What is… _that?_ ” Purple muttered to himself in confusion.

  
Red gestured to the spike, “Erh… a penis?” he suggested  
  
“Oh yeah, that’s how Zim called it”, Purple hummed in acknowledgement, getting losing himself deeper in his thoughts. “I wonder if I have a penis?”  
  


Red made a strangled noise. The situation was comical, but he tried to keep composure in front of his partner. “I mean, probably? Why would you not?”  
  


Purple shrugged “I dunno”, he grabbed Red’s hand, placing it precisely on on his crotch, “Get mine out!”  
  


“WHAT?” First, he noticed how more wet Purple had gotten since he touched him. Second, “No! That shit is disgusting, why would you want yours out?” frankly, he wondered how he could put his back in. He glanced at it and shivered at the sheer thought.

Purple’s eyes shimmered and made a pouty face. The kind of face that always got him to get what he wanted from Red, whether it was snacks or letting him blow up a planet. And Red obviously fell for it. He resigned and they switched places. Red awkwardly shuffled around, every time _the penis_ brushed against his thighs making him feel all tingly in his spine. When the purple leader laid down he hissed at the feeling near his back.  
  
“You wet the bed?” he said while making a friendly jab at the other.

  
“You felt it when you were putting your fingers in me, I don’t control it, you moron!” Red defended himself, blushing hard. With his hand still on Purple’s crotch, he didn’t waste any time and went at it. Replicating what Purple did to him precisely, well the best he could. His thoughts were mostly cloudy during the time Purple was doing it to him. So he gently stroked the other, making simple and repetitive motions.

From what he understood, he needed to make Purple all wet and gooey, so he can pull the tentacle out.

Purple on the other hand, was state of pure bliss and pleasure. He gasped and moaned, rocking his hips hard against Red’s hand. Still a loud mouth he gasped out: “This feels better than before”.  
  
“I can tell”, Red deadpanned at the other. At some point he felt something on his fingers, a lump. “Okay, before I start anything : This will feel different, don’t freak out”. He warned.

“Of course I won’t freak out, who do you take me fo _-AAHHHH_!” Purple had started to roll his eyes back, his hips lifting up from the bed, just like Red had been doing before him. 

When the initial bolt of pleasure finally stopped, Purple looked down at his crotch. With a pleased smile, he uttered the first thought that came to him: “Hey! Mine is taller!”

“Get lost!” Red barked at him, mildly annoyed.

“No reason to get offended, geez!” Purple scoffed at the other’s comment.

That was when the two rulers realized they were at a loss. They can’t really stroke each other now that they both had a _penis_ in the way.

 _  
_ _Unless..._

Before they could even finish the thought, Red spotted a peculiar sight, there, right between Purple’s legs, the spike seemed to have… moved?

“Uh- I think your _penis-thing_ just moved”, Red made an observation, with the slightest bit of discomfort. Before even giving a proper response, Purple just lowered his gaze towards the breeding tentacle, that was now moving even more visibly:

“GAHH!” Purple screeched in- fear? Disgust? Surprise? He honestly wasn’t sure.

Eyeing his partner, Red questioned with a deadpan look in his eyes: “Are you moving it?”

Purple, immediately, started gesturing with his hands a clear “No way! It’s moving on its own I swear!”

  
Red not quite convinced of the other’s claim, leaned towards to observe the strange organ more closely. Surely it cannot have a mind of its own? There is simply no way a primitive organic _penis_ is as advanced as Irk’s finest technology _?_ Purple is just messing with him.

While leaning towards it, Red was met with a very, very bad surprise, as the tentacle seemed as if it was drawn to him. Stretching as far as it could, practically protruding out towards him. It slicked right against his jaw and lips, and he jerked back with a furious frown on his eyes “HEY. That was disgusting! I knew it, you’re just messing with me!”

“I swear on the Control Brains, I AM NOT- wait! Dear IRK, yours is moving now too!”

“No it’s- WHAT?” And there is was, moving its own. Red could only clench and unclench his fists, unsure of what to do. It wasn’t like he could rip it out or something. “Oh, I hate this”.

Red looks over to Purple, who seemed rather deeply concentrated. He had a slight frown, eyes focused on the moving spike between his legs.  
  


“Purp’ I hate this, I want to put mine back in- what are you doing?”

  
“I’m trying to make it obey my authority” Purple stated, which made the other roll his eyes is despair. Suddenly, Purple grabbed his thing, and yelled with a demanding tone: “STOP. MOVING. _AH-”,_ the whole thing was originally a stupid joke attempt he made to help the other feel better about the situation, but when he grabbed it, he didn’t expect the sudden burst of pleasure, shooting up is spine and abdomen. He shivered and his jaw dropped with a silent cry.  
  


Red’s antennas perked up at the weird noise Purple just made. He stared at the other, who seemed to be stuck in the position he was in. “What happened? I was busy ignoring your stupidity”, he humored the other.  
  


“Comedic genius, hey laugh at this big guy. I don’t know if i want to move my hand or not, because that felt oddly good.” the words kept pouring out of Purple’s mouth, with a shaky voice. “Hey, huh I have an idea. Remember how my spike kept going towards your mouth? Maybe you- Like, just throwing it out there- should do something?”  
  


Red stopped his train of thought. “Wh- you want me to put that thing in my mouth?”

  
“YES?” he answered very subtly. Red could sense need in his voice.  
  


The red ruler thinks about it for a second, and like he often does when he’s pondering over a difficult decision, he licks his lips. He had almost forgotten that the tentacle left some goo on his mouth when it pressed itself against his face earlier. The taste wasn’t too bad actually, almost sweet in a way. Something inside him demanded more. Without further thoughts he leans down. He tentatively licks a thin strip at the tip. It wiggles in response. He feels Purple tense up against him, but by now, he’s aware that it’s a positive response to his action. He grabs Purple’s hand that was still on the tentacle and forces him to unclench his fist, letting him access the full lenght.  
  


He stares at the thing again, and repeats the licking motion, a few more times. Purple is soon enough gasping again, as the moment is once more overtaken by pure arousal. Red wraps his lips around the tip of the tentacle, snaking his tongue against it, trying to take in as much as he could. The same feeling flows through his brain, the same he felt when he licked the goo off of his chin: more. And he obey this strange feeling, dipping his head some more, swallowing Purple almost to the brim. He hears the other make a muffled sound, almost like a scream, but continues, rubbing his tongue against the smooth surface in his mouth. Until he realized he hasn’t breathed in a while. He draws back, gasping for air.  
  


Purple is looking at him, wide eyes, but rather disheveled, all sweaty, claws ripping out more foam from the already damaged mattress. That was a good sight for Red, giving him enough energy to try again. He took half of it in his mouth, eyes locked with Purple’s, almost in a defying way. _Beat that_ .  
  


He keeps going down, just like before, but he let the organ slip a little too far into his mouth. He chokes out gasping for air, and is forced to remove himself once again, coughing and spitting saliva mixed with pink goo. He wipes his hand on his chin in frustration.  
  


“Licking it is nice, you don’t have to choke on it!” Purple offers, trying to comfort him.  
  


Red blushes a bit embarrassed “You seemed to like it better when I was fully taking it.”  
  


“Yeah well-” Purple didn’t have the time to finish his thought, Red going back at it again. And this time he doesn’t try to take more than he could, sucking on just the tip and using his hand to squeeze the tentacle from time to time. He didn’t know what he was doing really, it just kind of came to his mind as went on. He probably managed to break the barriers of coding in his genes, unleashing his primal nature, when this whole event started.  
  


Purple tried to keep up with the sensation. It was wet, warm, and it felt good, so terribly good. He forced his hips down, knowing that Red would probably choke on him again if he were a little too eager, but that meant both his legs were now shaking. In fact, his entire body rushed with spasms of pleasure. He was breathing loudly, as if he managed to shut off his vocal cords. But sometimes a simple whine could be heard. He felt Red’s tongue slither straight down, slipping between the other’s hand and his own tentacle. It was all too much.  
  


He felt heat between his legs and back, and he shut his eyes. His hands flew directly to Red’s head, trying to either hold him still, or push him down even more. He arched his back with a loud cry feeling like his whole body was going to break.  
  


He slumped down against the bed, breathing hard and fast, eyes rolled back, trying to figure out what had happened. The air was ringing around him, and didn’t hear Red’s complaints at first.  
  


“-disgusting! What happened?” He finally managed to lift his head towards Red, who was hunched over him, with a lot of goo running down his mouth and chin. “Are you dead?”  
  


"Oh- You- Wh-” Purple slurred a few incomprehensible words, pleading his brain to form at least one coherent sentence. “You have to try this…”


End file.
